Tuesday, May 27, 2008

GRASPING FOR VAPOR

I don't often whine, but I thought I would share this negative side of me with both of you.
(So you will know that I am a rounded person.
Whether I am well rounded is for you to decide.)

My first week of retirement has ended on a bit of a down note.
Nothing major.
Just an accumulation of little negatives.

Part of it stems from my back problems, which even as I type is bothering me.
I do not take pain medication so the back pain is what it is.
This forced me to cancel my run Saturday and thus I have missed my endorphin-adrenaline cocktail for the day.
So I am, no doubt, suffering from withdrawals.

Physical problems are a part of getting old.
Diminishing strength, more frequent ailments, new ailments, decreasing vision and hearing; I am dealing with all of these.
I am not enjoying these changes.

I have been blessed (and spoiled) with good health all of my life and that makes the decreasing ambulatory acuity all the more bothersome.
It is something that I will have to deal with.
Period.

Another part of my downishness comes from the few hours I spent yesterday researching small towns in the American Southwest.
Part of me would like to move out there and spend my last years in the great American desert.
I love the desert and there are certain areas that I find very beautiful.

But as I read postings on bulletin boards and statistics on house prices and crime rates, I saw little to encourage such a move.
The scenery would be pretty - even spectacular - but for every decision (as I have often pontificated) there is a price.
What about family contacts?
What about friends?
Can I afford it?
Will I like it out there once I get there (other than the scenery)?
Will it be worth the major jack around it will take to get me and my little pile of junk out there?

And my present situation is about as ideal as one could be.
My expenses are low, my needs are supplied, I am close to my children (should we choose to visit it is not a major undertaking).
I am familiar with the territory (I should be, I have lived here for thirty-nine years.)
I like my little house (one reason is because it is little.)
So, because of this, part of me does not want to rock the boat.

Oh, and one more thing.
I HATE to move.
And this would be a **major** undertaking.
So I would hate to go through all the gyrations to relocate and not like it when I got there.
Something to consider....

Another reason for my recent negative feelings is I am alone.
I am a loner, and most of the time that is okay, but once in a while I miss having someone around to share life's little moments with.
This has been true for the last fifteen years or so.
(The last few years of my marriage were very lonely.
Whether that was my fault or not does not change the result.
One of the reasons I chose to end it was because I believed that I would not be any more lonely living by myself; which has proved to be true.)

I have times of loneliness that make me feel depressed and restless.
(and when I say "depressed", I do not mean clinically suicidal.
Just sort of mopey gripey whiny.)
Most of the time I am reasonably happy.

And when I get in this mood I think of the words of Ecclesiastes:

1:2 "Vanity of vanities," says the Preacher.
"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity."

2:11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done
And on the labor in which I had toiled;
And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind.
There was no profit under the sun.

I call it my Ecclesiastical mood.
It usually lasts only a day or two.
But it is easy to be negative when they descend on me.

This, too, shall pass.

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