Saturday, November 13, 2010

Thots on Lonely

It is Saturday evening.

My life is good.
It mostly has been good.
Good meaning, few problems.
My health has, and is, good.
My wealth is sufficient for my modest needs and virtually all of my wants.
Not bragging here, just saying.
These blessings are because God has been good to me.

But tonight, for no reason that I can discern, I am feeling lonely.
Very alone.
Feeling no connection to anyone.
All the people I know and love seem so very far away.

It is a feeling that comes to visit me from time to time.
Maybe it is my hormone time or something.
No matter.
I am feeling it tonight.
Strongly.

I remember nights like this 11 years ago when I was still married.
She was at one end of the house (or gone) and I was at the other (or gone to visit some friends).
She was struggling to figure out how to live with a man she did not like and who did not like her.
I was wondering if anything was ever going to change between us, knowing she did not like me (she told me this plainly with her mouth very calmly one day).
I had no feelings of “love” for her any more.
Ultimately, I got tired of waiting for something to happen.
I suppose I should have given the relationship more than 30 years to work itself out.
But I did not know what else to do.
The answers to my prayers seemed to be delayed longer than I could wait for.

The key thought that moved me out of that situation was that I would/could not be more lonely if I lived by myself.
And it turned out to be true.
I suspected that there would be nights like this.
And it has proven true.
And tonight is one of them.

The words of a song come to mind.....

“This is for all the lonely people
thinking that life has passed them by
Don't give up
until you drink from the silver cup
And ride that highway in the sky”

I don't think of this song much.

I don't normally mope around.
This is a relatively rare event.
This is partly my fault.
I am not a social person.
Most of the time I like to be alone just living my little life.
But I don't hate people.

But I also know that I am not like most people.
I see things differently.
I believe differently.
I think differently.
Some of the things I see are things some other people do not see at all.
Some of these things are visual, physical things, but many other things I see are patterns of behavior or spiritual in nature.
I am not saying I am better than other people, I am just different.

I have felt this all of my life since I was in grade school.
In my teen years I was typical in that I tried to fit in the my pubescent peers.
But I found that it was easier to just be aloof.
I did not catch on to many of their fads and customs.
And, even then, I saw the emptiness of much of it.

I know that I could call someone now and connect with them.
But I also know that they will only be a voice on the other end of a phone line.
A disembodied electronic reproduction of the voice of the real person.
And they will be busy living their life which I will have interrupted to force them talk to me.
Interrupting the routine that kept them from connecting with me on their own.
And in the end, it will only magnify the distance between us.
It will only demonstrate how very far apart we really are.
So I won't.

I also know that tomorrow I will feel differently.
This mood will pass.
If only because I will be preoccupied with other things.
And all of this mopey dreary stuff will just be a faint memory.

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